As I mentioned, I am a driven person.  It is easy for me to become immersed in a task and lose all sense of time. This includes anything from spending my time with people, to working on a given project. It has motivated me with regards to my work and finding balance in my life. Thankfully I have an internal timing mechanism that presents as neural pain that reminds me at regular intervals throughout the day to take a short  break, exercise regularly or to simply stretch. I have developed impeccable body awareness because physical discomfort is part of my daily experience. Over time, I have learned to tap into another listening skill (my inner voice) to inherently know what my body needs when signalling various physical symptoms. Most importantly I manage my physical discomfort on a daily basis to maintain balance for myself.

My symptoms are intimate physical cues to preserve my body and soul, tuning in to listening to what I need.  I choose to experience this in an empowering way of me knowing and understanding where my boundaries are. By listening to myself and my needs, the balance I have in my life is so much more powerful than just pushing myself through things. Ironically, it’s a physical gift!

Through listening so intently to myself, I have found that people are naturally drawn to sharing their personal stories with me.  I have allowed myself the space to do my best thinking within my own power zone and can cultivate that space for another.

It is necessary as the listener to listen to understand what the other is really wanting to communicate. I had to really listen to my body’s plea’s, which meant I had to adjust my posture or take a break to reduce my symptoms rather than just pushing through a given task. Listening is directly related to our emotional connection and vested interest in the other person. It becomes necessary to monitor our own triggers, listening to ourselves first, which allows optimal interpersonal communication to be effective. This relationship that we build within ourselves strengthens the relationships that we can bring forward in our day to day lives.

Sincere gratitude to all my lecturers and fellow classmates at SACAP for facilitating this learning process for me.

“People do their best thinking when given the space without interruption.” – Nancy Kline

As I mentioned in a previous blog post, I decided to register for a coaching diploma at The South African College of Applied Psychology (SACAP). I  was under the impression that my clients were looking to me for answers.  Little did I know that by giving them the opportunity to talk without interruption, they would have their own best answer.

This active listening skill raised my anxiety, as I wanted to share my own insights with my clients as they popped into my head. I wanted to give advice, and simply offer a solution to their problem so that everything could be okay, but it’s not that simple!  I’m an empath by nature, and I don’t like to see another distressed! Knowing that I could provide my solution to their problem helped me to feel less anxious, as if I had been able to make a difference in their life.

I literally thought that by signing up for the course, I’d immediately attain some form of wisdom as if I were given a key to unlock the “wise woman” part of me.  Thereafter, I would learn a list of skills that I would be able to apply to my life overnight and that I would know “everything”. Little did I understand that “this knowing”  was actually a process of far greater self-reflection and introspection that demanded discipline, commitment, and consistency.

Interestingly, I started my studies in my early 40’s which Eric Erikson identified in his psychosocial model as “middle adulthood.” Erikson identifies at this stage that we are conflicted between generativity versus stagnation.  Generativity means wanting to share one’s knowledge and experiences with the next generation (other’s). Stagnation means feeling stuck similar to being in a rut. Although I was an older student, it was therefore highly appropriate that I was studying, as I had entered into a stage of my life that I wanted to grow and engage with others on a deeper level.  I found great relief in his theory, consolidating my desire to nurture another’s infinite growth, development and inherent strength. Ultimately, my learning was to listen rather than to give advice.

Before I knew it I was writing assignments and I had to reflect on my life at a deep level – a place I didn’t think that I would need to delve into in order to “listen” to someone else.  My levels of anxiety heightened and I found myself feeling fairly low at times. Whats more, I was “in it” and for me there was nowhere to go, but to get through it – trust me there were parts of me that were constantly searching for reasons to end my journey prematurely! Each module triggered a different part of me, and I found myself submerged in a state of constant reflection and analysis going through an unexpected period of  immense growth as a human being.

The benefits of actual listening are immense: the skill provides a secure base for trust to grow and develop; friendships and relationships deepen, and genuine self-care can be cultivated. In Part 2 of this post, I will speak into the skill of really listening.

Recently I was introduced to Dr. Caroline Leaf’s work on Cognitive Neuroscience by a new
friend. Dr. Leaf speaks into the scientifically supported impact that our thoughts have on our
physical and emotional health. My friend went on to tell me how he consistently works on
maintaining a healthy, positive attitude in his life – which is evident in his joyful and uplifting
energy. However, he tends to be hard on himself with regards to what he desires as an
ideal body image.

Upon reflection, I found that I do my utmost to focus on the positives in my life, and reframe
negative situations. This enables me to find meaning, purpose, and grace in most situations,
even those that I choose to see as lessons. While it sounds easy, this process can get really
hard in today’s world because of the constant stream of negative information that is fed to us
through social media and various communication channels. That said, Dr. Leaf’s work has
helped me to develop a new awareness of positive thinking, that motivates me into taking
positive action. Positive thinking for me includes extending positive thought processes to the
people around us, especially when they impact our lives in direct and indirect ways. (As they
say, “Your vibe attracts your tribe!”)

I’ve found that reframing situations in line with positive thought processes is very doable and
becomes driven by action! The biggest challenge, however, is that inner critic that exists
within. We all have it, that voice that takes us to that one place where we feel disheartened
and simply not good enough, no matter what we do. Constantly channeling us to focus on
what we believe the worst part about ourselves. I’m sure you know the one I’m talking
about!

A chat with our self-critic often begins with our physical appearance, as we strive to become
what we think others will find attractive. This is often influenced by false, airbrushed
celebrity perfection and what the media portrays as “ideal.” It’s good to remember that we
will always find attractive in others that part of us which we perceive as missing in ourselves,
developing a hype around what we think others would want in us in order to feel accepted.
Simply put, this is usually unattainable for various reasons, genetic or otherwise, and we are
left feeling even more empty and inadequate. Sadly, this filters into self-criticism and
judgment toward self.

In Part 2 of this blog-post, we’ll explore a practical method to redirect our attention away
from that inner-critic, and channel it towards a more constructive and healthy direction.